There’s been a lot of things/occurrences that have happened in my life and I’ve never really questioned WHY?...just took it in and made the best of it. All I’ve been doing since I learned of Troy's death 16 days ago is ask WHY over and over again. This is not like me at all and if I were to give advice (which I love to do) I’d say “things happen for a reason and one day it’ll all make sense...he's in the most glorious place now and he's peaceful”. This time I can’t follow my own advice for some reason.
When she walked through that door of the viewing room last Monday morning…I knew it was her. He’d told me so much about his coworker Tina that I feel like I knew her. The thing that was so unbelievable to me was that she told me to keep whatever he'd given me because he wanted me to have it. Not 5 minutes earlier I was talking to him and telling him that I never got around to returning the shoes and scarf he bought me for my birthday. I told him that I guess I was meant to keep them.
I wasn’t talking to his body but I felt like he was in the room and he was listening to me. I had been there for awhile and told him everything I was feeling/thinking. I apologized for being mean. Our last conversation wasn’t a good one but I knew that it would be okay if things just settled down a bit. Like Tina said…Time wasn’t on our side. I regret so much not making amends. My heart and soul are shattered by his untimely departure and I don’t know what to do. I’ve cried everyday since December 31st. The slide show at the service made it worse. A couple of the pictures showed that he was wearing the shirt I bought him…glad he liked it! But the pictures from Thanksgiving with Ryley were so beautiful and he looked so happy…why does she have to grow up without an incredibly loving dad? I know he’ll watch over her but she won’t remember him and it breaks my heart. I was going to go over there that weekend but decided to leave town instead to visit my Great Grandma in Reno…did I make the right choice?
Troy did come on very strong and I didn’t know he annoyed everyone with phone calls and text messages…so that was good to hear at the service. We weren’t meant to be a couple and I knew he was falling much harder than he should’ve been which is why I ended things so abruptly. I tried to be rational about the whole thing but he wasn’t getting it…so I was harsh. I always try to be kind to everyone because you never know what will happen. This is a really difficult reality to swallow. Troy needed me to be a great friend…I failed and I’m truly sorry.
When she walked through that door of the viewing room last Monday morning…I knew it was her. He’d told me so much about his coworker Tina that I feel like I knew her. The thing that was so unbelievable to me was that she told me to keep whatever he'd given me because he wanted me to have it. Not 5 minutes earlier I was talking to him and telling him that I never got around to returning the shoes and scarf he bought me for my birthday. I told him that I guess I was meant to keep them.
I wasn’t talking to his body but I felt like he was in the room and he was listening to me. I had been there for awhile and told him everything I was feeling/thinking. I apologized for being mean. Our last conversation wasn’t a good one but I knew that it would be okay if things just settled down a bit. Like Tina said…Time wasn’t on our side. I regret so much not making amends. My heart and soul are shattered by his untimely departure and I don’t know what to do. I’ve cried everyday since December 31st. The slide show at the service made it worse. A couple of the pictures showed that he was wearing the shirt I bought him…glad he liked it! But the pictures from Thanksgiving with Ryley were so beautiful and he looked so happy…why does she have to grow up without an incredibly loving dad? I know he’ll watch over her but she won’t remember him and it breaks my heart. I was going to go over there that weekend but decided to leave town instead to visit my Great Grandma in Reno…did I make the right choice?
Troy did come on very strong and I didn’t know he annoyed everyone with phone calls and text messages…so that was good to hear at the service. We weren’t meant to be a couple and I knew he was falling much harder than he should’ve been which is why I ended things so abruptly. I tried to be rational about the whole thing but he wasn’t getting it…so I was harsh. I always try to be kind to everyone because you never know what will happen. This is a really difficult reality to swallow. Troy needed me to be a great friend…I failed and I’m truly sorry.
Rob, just got around to reading this. I hope that writing about it helped you. If you need to talk give me a call. Dont feel guilty about what happened between the two of you the last time you talked. You are human and the way he was reacting to you did warrant some harshness on your part, I mean how many times are you expected to say something...anyway, sorry for the tragedy, and call me if you need to talk.
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